I feel like I deserve a lot. I wake up with the kids early in the morning. I make their breakfast, build Isaac's Thomas tracks, hold the clingy Theo, wipe their noses, let them cry themselves down for their naps, take them out on some "fun" adventure, worry about their health, and put dinner together all while I try and do some part-time work out of the house that allows us some financial flexibility. I deserve a day off. I deserve a night out with my husband without the kids. I deserve etc, etc, etc. I deserve squat. I deserve eternal existence without my Creator. Truly.
I disparately need to dethrone this idol of pleasure that I am so hotly pursuing!! I don't deserve to have fun every day! I am not owed anything! I'm not giving my 50% waiting for Matt to match with his 50% (ha, his own sermon illustration.) How clear this idol of pleasure has been made to me this past week. Do you know how it works itself into surfacy sin? I get angry at my kids for not taking naps at the same time... so that I can have time to my self. I'm frustrated with my Isaac right now because it's 9:05pm and he STILL is not asleep. I am INCONVENIENCED. Oh Lord, that you would change my heart... that Your grace would permeate and change my heart.
On a different note, this evening after our dinner & during our family's devotions we said the Lord's prayer with Isaac repeating... "Hallowed be MY name..." he says so reverently... isn't that really what our hearts yearn for far more than what the Lord taught us to pray? Bah - another thing I need to work on!!
7 comments:
I'm there with you! I feel like God teaches me to overcome an area of my life, only to struggle with selfishness in another area. I know that the root is my faith in Christ as my all sufficient supplier, but that seems so huge (and complete) If I deal with the issues, I don't have to deal with my heart. It is a constant battle that I don't always want to fight.
Jen M
hi chrissie. i have been thinking about you recently. can you let me know your email address?
i deserve a visit from the koerbers! heehee. great post.
so as a side note and not to belittle what you're struggling with, but i do think it's ok to pray for peace. you know like, "please God help my kids get on a normal sleep schedule" or "please let Matt get home at a decent time tonight". the psalms are full of prayers for peace. i guess we do need to watch our attitude when asking for things, but God does say to ask. love you!
wow, i feel this exact same way today. it's 8:55pm and Noah is still awake and I'm tired and we're staying in this efficiency apartment and I feel so deserving of a relaxing night off. But you're so right and I prayed that prayer right along with you!
Just kidding about your "depressing" blog! :) I'm just always looking to hear more - I'm a greedy sister in law!
love you
Amen, sistah.
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